I can remember one of my very first post on this blog. I was talking about my emotional unavailability. I said I was emotionally detached and I was teaching myself how to be lovey dovey. I wrote that particular post with a heavy heart because my friends regarded me as heartless.
Guess what? I’m writing this one with an intoxicated mind. The world moves really fast, but today is a bit still for me. I can even hear the silence. I might be a carefree, nonchalant girl that doesn’t care about boys and relationships and all, but if you know me really well, I am a big bag of emotions.
Sometimes I really want to lock up my feelings and throw them away or give them to the needy but I’m stuck with them forever. FOREVER. In every “fuck off” I say there’s an “I hope you stay forever”. In every cold thing I say there’s an “I love you with all my heart”. That’s just my defence mechanism.
The truth is… I’ve locked up my emotions for so long. All these emotions do now is follow me everywhere I go. I always want to be the strong girl. I want to be a fvcking bad bitch😩. But I feel like I’m becoming so weak. I met one of my followers last week and I became really emotional with her. I couldn’t even stop myself😭. That’s the Jessica I have been hiding from the world. I told her that behind this tough Jessica is a girl that is ready to love again.
I’ve actually learnt to accept these emotions as they come now. I’m tired of having to pretend like I have no emotions because I fear being a loser. I mean I want to be sweet Jessica. I want to be able to express myself more instead of locking up my feelings. I probably need them more than the trash bag I’ve thrown them into 🤔.
It’s okay to have feelings, it’s okay to have emotions. It’s okay to be lovey-dovey. It’s not okay to put away your feelings. Live, laugh, love. Fall in love, it’s a beautiful feeling. It makes you feel more alive. See you in my next post. If you haven’t read my post on “Emotionally detached”, you should. It’s all love from Jessica 💕.